So, what do I know?

I've been pondering this question for months now. So many times I've been asked why I have spent so much time and energy refuting a religious belief that I was raised in. If I'm so glad that I found my way out of it, why am I not happy yet?

I think that part of this journey is becoming comfortable with NOT KNOWING. I spent so much time (20 years) saying, "I know this church is true" over and over, I guess now I want to refrain from saying that I know anything to be certain. This has been a time of great exploration for me, and I haven't been willing to share it with anyone, because I don't want to defend my beliefs. I don't want to become a Pagan Apologist. I don't want to belong to a coven where I have to subscribe to a list of views and opinions in order to belong. Most of all, I don't want to create an exclusive club for people who must believe everything that I believe in. I don't think I'll ever subscribe to a tradition.

One thing that has happened is I have definitely been reading books. And websites. And email newsletters. And web bulletin boards. I love the job I have now, because I only have to work on Saturday, and I still get paid as much as I did working my former 40 work week. So, I have a lot of time to read. And write. I've been doing plenty of that at my other site, and I've managed to garner a little negative attention from my immediate family. Which can only lead to two things, either acceptance or denial. But, I feel it's worth that initial estrangement to get my final point across. It's the only thing that has worked in trying to convince them that I am never coming back into that world again. And the consequence of that has been limited or no contact between us. Of course, there were other reasons, but I won't go into that.

So, where am I going? Most people assume that when you go away from something, you're running towards something else instead. In my case, I have just been dealing with the void that is left after you realize you can't trust in "all knowing powers" to run your life for you. And I've learned A LOT about what makes people believe in weird things. I even spent some time away from the group I attend from time to time. (not on purpose, just $$ and time constraints, + bad weather :-) All of this space gives me a chance for renewal purposes, and some hibernation time, and to rediscover what it is that I choose to believe in.

I started out full-fledged Wicca. I purchased all the books, did lots of research on the traditions, tried to make my life into a copy of Mormonism complete with all the handbooks and lists of beliefs. And the more I learned about each tradition, the more complex it became and the harder it was to subscribe to any one system and stick with it. So, I took a break. Which is NOT a bad thing. It is perfectly sensible to step back when you feel overwhelmed, not duck your head down and 'put problems on the shelf'. I learned from others what ideas move them, what motivates them to pursue a path and explore it to the fullest. The big mistake I made was in thinking that you HAVE to pick one. And now I know that validating all paths is the key.

I became an ordained minister through the Universal Life Church on July 15, 2006. I thought it might come in handy if I have to step in as an officiator someday. I have the credentials and I'm even toying with taking a couple on-line study courses. I did this because of an upbringing that only men could be ordained as ministers, so I bucked the system by becoming a legally recognized minister. I think I will ask for a Spiritual Priestess designation on my certificate.

I guess what I know is: I don't have the answers. And I also think that the mere belief that you have to have a set of answers is in itself the great lie. People can't let themselves just exist, they have to control every event in their lives and know the outcome before the game starts. I'm okay with discovering along the way, what it all means. And I'm also okay with changing my mind. I have probably changed my beliefs and views about religion 6-8 times since leaving Mormonism. I am currently studying Gnosticism, not because I am inclined to take up Christianity again, but more so I can understand the founding ideas behind it. It's fascinating really, just discovering how much things can be altered and erased to fit the molds you force them into. I've learned a lot about fanaticism this way, and I am resolved to keep from that as much as possible.

Do I consider myself Pagan? You bet. I've always felt connected with elementals, the moon cycles, the water and the earth, wind and flame. I get much more out of meditations than I ever did singing in a choir. My intuition guides me better than scripture. This is my way to receive knowledge and understanding. This is what being pagan is to me. Recognizing the divine spark in myself has given me the strength to turn away from those that would manipulate me and who continue to manipulate those I love.

Do I think I can lead others? That's a tough one. I'm a mom first of all, and sometimes I wonder if I can even lead them. But I know that I have a voice and I can use it. I know that I have an understanding of how power can corrupt people, and those in a leadership position are susceptible to that. I haven't set out to organize my own religion or anything, I guess I would just like to find some folks who get me, and create a place where everyone can be validated on the paths they choose. And I'd like it to be a little closer to home. Maybe there will be a time when people won't have to keep their views a secret, and can meet together freely to share their thoughts with others who won't condemn or judge. I'd like that very much.

I'm not attempting to break away ties from those that I've met so far by any means. On the contrary, I'd like to be able to attend more gatherings and become more connected. It's tough sometimes, because you have to be a mundane person too, work-raise kids-attend sports and band activities, etc.

I'm really excited about this year because I finally got the nerve up to volunteer to share my small education about Gnosticism with the Iowan group. I will be gearing up for that for the next 7 months, to be sure. I hope not to sound like a complete retard but also not like a complete know-it-all jackass. Wow, that's tough to find the middle ground.

Well, that's a lot about me personally. I will probably post some more stuff I find interesting from The Witches' Voice, or elsewhere on the web, especially the Sabbats and Full moon stuff. I am also working on a short book of quarter-calls and ritual practices so I can carry it around with me and share at meetings.